Her Disease
by Niara Bastilik
Summary: Elizabeth is a student in the Hogwarts house Gryffindor. She struggles with a hidden darkness, so titled Anorexia Nervosa. She's not famous, nor is she brilliant. All she wants is recognition. Anorexia warning.
1. Back to School

DISCLAIMER: I do NOT own the Harry Potter universe. I do, however own Elizabeth. Don't take her.

She sighed, staring at the endless rows of food on the table. This was going to be a long night. She was back at Hogwarts, yes, but she had overlooked the feast at the beginning of the year. She had to pretend to be eating something to keep suspicion off of her. Even though she faded into the background of her house most times, she just knew she would be stared at if she didn't appear to be eating.

Her name was Elizabeth. A perfectly ordinary name. She wished she had another name sometimes. Like Naomi, or Freya. But no, she was stuck with Elizabeth.

She sighed, and took another bite of food to her lips, taking a bite and chewing. When she thought no one was looking, she spit it out onto her plate, hiding it under a bit of untouched food. It made her less likely to eat the food around the chewed up bit. Anything that would keep her from eating any more than she already had that night would be a good thing. At least, to her it would.

She flicked her short, messy hair over her shoulders. It had a habit of falling in her face all the time, blinding her with fuzzy brown puffs of frizz in front of her eyes. She wished she had dark hair, or even red. Anything but mousy brown, frizzy hair.

She glanced around her table, the Gryffindors. Realizing no one was looking her way that she could see, she relaxed a little. After all, no need to pretend to eat anymore if it she was the only one watching herself. She knew she wasn't eating, and that was good enough for her.

She really didn't think she belonged in Gryffindor, a house full of brave people. She felt like a coward, always hiding from everything. But where else would she be placed? She didn't have what it took to be in Slytherin, nor did she want to be in the house with the snake on its crest. She wasn't smart enough to be in Ravenclaw. She honestly wasn't sure why she hadn't ended up in Hufflepuff. She might never know.

The minutes dragged on. She looked further up the table, to where the famous Harry Potter was sitting. He was in an animate conversation with a few other Gryffindors, including Ron Weasley. She repressed another sigh she felt coming on. She knew she would never be like Harry. He was popular, well liked. He probably didn't know her. After all, why would he? Sure, they were both in the same year and the same house, but why would he bother with her when he could talk to the better people in the house?

After what seemed like forever, it was over. She took a deep breath, glad the food was finally gone. She couldn't stand to look at it any longer. Her stomach was rumbling terribly. She tried to quiet it, rubbing it to comfort it into silence.

And so they headed back to the Gryffindor dorm. She was near the back of the group of students heading up the moving staircases. Thankfully, she had gotten used to the staircases changing quickly in her first year.

The password was 'butterscotch ripple'. She committed it to memory. She followed the others into the dorm. But, instead of milling about, she headed straight upstairs to find her bed. She felt so tired. Even going up the stairs tired her out lately. She changed into her pajamas, then washed her face at the sink. After all, she reasoned, its never too early to start preventing pimples.

She laid on her bed, taking laborious breaths as she waited for the spasms in her back to stop. Every day, she tensed her back so much, that when she finally laid down and let it relax, it hurt like hell, the muscles twitching. Eventually, the pain died down. She began to drift off, just as the other girls were coming in. The last thing she heard, before sleep claimed her, was a loud laugh as the other girls talked. Probably about how cute they thought some boy was. With that thought, she slipped into a sleep, plagued by bad dreams.

The next morning, she woke before the others. She had to have a bit of time to get ready. And so she dragged her weary body out of bed and toward the shower despite its protests.

She turned the water on, undressing quickly and stepping under it. She let it run over her body, paying close attention to her jutting bones. Hipbones, ribs, collarbones, she loved the feel of them, no matter how much they ached. Their sharp edges showed how much progress she had made.

After drying, she wrapped a towel around her wet hair and began to get dressed. Knickers first, pink, with lace. And then a matching pushup bra.

After that, she had to decide what to wear under her robes. She debated it for a few minutes, but then decided on a pair of jeans and an aqua colored t-shirt. She pulled her robes on over this, and slipped on a pair of comfortable sporty shoes.

Now came the hard part. She began her makeup with concealer, rubbing it over her perceived 'flaws'. Then she went on to eyeliner, eyeshadow, a bit of blush, and lip gloss. She tried very hard to make it look natural. She didn't want to look like she was wearing a ton of makeup, but she didn't want to go without. Because without, she looked pale and corpselike. She had hollows in her cheekbones and under her eyes. Therefore, she needed the makeup just to look normal.

She finished the careful application of her cosmetics, breathing a sigh of relief. She quickly stored her makeup away in her trunk, thankful none of the other girls had woken and seen how much she was putting on.

She lay down on her bed, covering in the blankets again, just as the girls around her began to stir. She closed her eyes in a façade of sleep. Soon enough, someone would come to wake her, thinking she had overslept. Her assumption was right.

"Wake up! Elizabeth! It's time to get up!" Said a voice, as a hand that presumably belonged to the voice reached out and shook her shoulder.

She groaned convincingly, opening her yes and sitting up. And then she saw who it was. None other than Ginevra Weasley.

"Th-thank you for w-waking me!" She stuttered, suddenly nervous around someone as important as Ginny. She didn't think she was good enough to talk to a friend of Harry Potter. She sat up quickly and got out of bed. If Ginny was surprised that Elizabeth was already in her robes, she didn't show it. Ginny left Elizabeth alone, satisfied that her dorm mate was up an about.

She brushed her hair, now that it was mostly dry, and began to braid it. She wanted a reason to be late for breakfast today. All the other girls left, mostly ignoring her. She finished her hair, then began walking slowly downstairs. At first, she was mingled with other students getting off to a late start. But as she walked, they got ahead, all seemingly looking forward to a hearty meal.

But not only did she not want to go to breakfast, she couldn't walk too fast or she would get dizzy. She couldn't let herself faint again. Last time she had, it had raised many suspicions that she had to quell.

She arrived outside the Great Hall. There was noone about, so she stopped to catch her breath. Once she could breath properly again, she walked into the hall unobtrusively and slid into a seat at the far end of the Gryffindor table. She didn't think anyone was really watching her today, so she just put some food on her plate for if anyone looked and poked at it. She didn't want to put any of the stuff in her mouth today.

She glanced around every once in a while, just to make sure she was being ignored. Satisfied that none of the other students were watching her, she got off the bench and began to leave, taking a deep breath of the smells of the Great Hall before leaving. It turned out to be a mistake. She hurried out towards a bathroom, hoping with all her heart that this bout of retching wouldn't make her feel too bad. She still had classes to attend today.

But she hadn't been quite right. One lone pair of eyes had seen her departure. Neville Longbottom sat and pondered his Housemate's strange behavior, knowing that all was not alright with Elizabeth.


	2. Denial

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Harry Potter. If I did, do you think I would be writing this? I do own Elizabeth, though. Don't take her.

Thank you very, very much Poppycan and Theladyprimrose for the reviews. They really mean a lot to me. This is my first piece of work that has ever been released, and to know that you two like it enough to review is an honor.

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In class. Again. Elizabeth couldn't concentrate on anything the teacher was saying. All she was concentrating on was keeping herself awake. She didn't know what was wrong with her today. She couldn't remember the last time she had been so tired. And the pain in her stomach was only growing worse as the days went by.

But as far as she was concerned, she didn't have a problem. She needed to do this, or she would blow up like a balloon. She reasoned that she was already fat enough.

But that wasn't reality at all. It was how she saw things. In truth, she was far too thin. Thinner than most of the girls in her house. In Hogwarts, even. But she couldn't see that. All she could see was the last bit of fat clinging to her frail frame.

"Elizabeth! Are you paying attention?" Professor McGonagall asked sharply. Elizabeth's head shot up from looking at her lap. McGonagall took that as a no. "Five points from Gryffindor, then."

Elizabeth slumped down in her seat, trying to keep her emotions in check. The last thing she wanted to do was let her housemates know it bothered her so much. If she cried, it would give it all away. So she kept her face a mask, while appearing to pay attention.

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Nothing could make her more relieved than getting out of class that day. She sighed, gathering up her bag. She slung it over her shoulder, wincing as it hit her back. She realized only then that it would leave a bruise. i Ah Well, /i She thought. It wasn't really that strange for her to have bruises. She got them far too easily.

As she walked down the corridor, she lapsed into thought. She was trying to remember something she had forgotten. But it continued to elude her.

She was startled out of her pondering with a tap on her shoulder. She turned around quickly, coming face to face with Neville.

"Hello, Neville!" She said with false cheeriness. "How are you today?"

"I'm alright. I wanted to talk to you," He said, somewhat thrown off by her smile. He was glad the hall had emptied a bit. That way, they had a measure of privacy.

"About what?" She asked warily. After all, the last time someone had said that to her…

"I noticed you weren't eating much this morning. Are you feeling alright?"

"Yeah, I just had a stomach ache," She lied, hoping he wouldn't think it odd.

"Maybe you should see Madam Pomfrey, then. I can go with you, if you want," He offered.

"No, it's alright. I feel better now. I've got to go, but I'll see you later!" She said, waving overly cheerfully as she walked away down the corridor.

Neville wasn't convinced. She wasn't the same as last year. She was thinner, she didn't eat as much, and her personality seemed completely changed. He wasn't going to give up. Not when he knew she needed someone to help.

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Elizabeth walked wearily to the Great Hall for dinner. Today had been very hard. Classes had dragged on. She wanted to go upstairs and go to bed, but Neville might notice if she didn't make an appearance.

i Wait, what? /i she mentally asked herself. i Why would someone be worried about me? /i 

But it was already too late to change her mind, as she was already there. She glanced around the Gryffindor table before sitting. Satisfied to see Neville occupied in conversation, she settled herself at the end, as usual.

In a way, it made her feel better that noone cared enough to talk to her. Because then, she could continue on with this self destruction, until there was nothing left of her to whittle down to perfection.

But… that small voice, the one with sanity still, was screaming for her to stop, to tell someone. But she didn't listen to it. She tuned out her voice of reason.

After a bit, she got tired of pretending to eat. She got up and left, without even looking around to check this time. After all, she had tried very hard to seem as if she was eating tonight.

She listened as her footsteps echoed on the stone as she walked. It sounded very… pretty. Almost dream like. Echoing back and forth, like a waterfall. She let her legs carry her up the stairs and to the Fat Lady's portrait.

"Butterscotch Ripple," She said quietly. She walked into the common room, feeling more relaxed than she had in a long time.

Her trance like state was interrupted by a cough behind her. There stood Neville, for the second time that day.

"Elizabeth, I really need to ask you something," He said, a hint of nervousness in his voice.

"What is it, Neville?" She asked, trying to sound calm, even though it felt like her stomach was tied in a knot.

"I… I noticed…" He seemed a bit unsure of himself. But then, he took a deep breath, and let out his thoughts in a rush. "I've seen that you havn't been eating, and you've gotten thinner, and you always leave the table early, and… You're different. I want to know what's wrong. Please… tell me."

She swallowed the lump in her throat. A part of her mind was screaming at her to tell him what she had been doing. But she couldn't. She was afraid he wouldn't understand. She resolutely steeled her gaze, trying to hide the emotion his words had evoked. All she wanted to show was anger. Maybe he would not do this to her again. It was so hard for her.

"Longbottom," she began, praying that her using his last name would keep him from hearing the pain in her voice. "There is nothing wrong with me. I've not had much of an appetite lately, and that is b all /b . Furthermore, I fail to see how it is any of your business whether or not I'm eating what you consider to be enough. I do b not /b have a problem!"

With that, she turned quickly, trying to avoid seeing the hurt look on Neville's face. And so she ran up the stairs to the girl's side of the Gryffindor tower, knowing he couldn't follow her there. The castle wouldn't allow it. And for that, she was very thankful. She didn't want him to see the tears that it had caused her. She had meant to hurt him, keep him at a distance, but in truth, it hurt her just as much. He may her only hope for ever being happy again. But she was afraid.

She laid on her bed, curling up into a ball of misery. Tears ran down her face freely, but she tried not to even whimper. She couldn't let any of the other girls hear her. She didn't want to answer any more prying questions tonight.

i Why did I do that? /i she thought bitterly to herself. But no answer came.


End file.
